Detachment or Destruction?

So I shall write a little about work. I make no apologies for this. After all, It does occupy the largest chunk of my waking time (and unfortunately some of my sleeping time too).

I have been trying to solve the same problem for about 5 months now. At least 5 times I have thought I had the solution only to discover a reason that whilst it might be a nice idea, it isn't ideal for our particular problem. One of these ideas I came up with turned out to be something a French guy had done in 1981 as his PhD. So months of work, and lots of things tried and the solution is still not in my hands, though I again feel it is in reach.

Through this cycle, I have become aware just how much my mood depends on how the work is proceeding. When I have left work thinking the problem is solved, all is good. When I get pulled away when I think I am on the verge of a breakthrough, I am irritable. When I am stuck, I feel depressed and am easily distracted.

Of course this phenomena is not unique to me. We all experience it to varying degrees, but perhaps PhD students amplify it since a PhD is so individual. Whilst your supervisor is a guide, the only person who you are accountable to is yourself, and you must be self driven. Clearly too much occupation with work can be destructive, but on the flip side you have to care enough about it or you will not succeed. This line of detachment or destruction is fine to walk, and I probably fall on destructive side too much.

When you are working on a difficult problem that has not been solved before, progress will inevitably be non-linear; this must be true of any PhD. I try to ride the wave when it goes well, but this can lead to working too obsessively and falling off when the wake breaks. Hence this feeds the above cycle. Hopefully being aware of it is the first step in being able to manage it better. The trick is to care about work at work, but to find a way to contain it and leave it there. Perhaps some more strict working hours would be in order.

And looking forward, I am soon to move in with some good friends so should have more distractions to go home to. Also, the problem I am working on concerns inventing a new method. Once I have it, I hope using it, and interpreting the results will be easier - or at least my more amenable to steadier progress.

So am I crazy or can anyone relate to this?

More blogging about the blog

Whilst attempting to finish the next post, I started reading back over the older ones and was surprised to find that I enjoyed my own work. Distance makes it seem better written and more interesting than I remembered. The things I have to write about now don't seem half as interesting.

I see that the previous two entries were a bit of a moan. Unfortunately for you guys I am most motivated to write now when I want to get something off my chest or when I am at my most introspective.

Discussing this with an old friend on IM he persuaded to keep going as some might be interested in the more recent stuff and just this was enough to get me collating some of the ideas that have been knocking around on virtual post-its. These are posts that have been brewing in my mind a while now, but it takes more effort to craft something thoughtful and reasoned than a rant. Hopefully some of them will be of the more speculative and interesting variety.

I have also just published something I wrote a while ago about China under the date I wrote it (April). I may also publish some of the brewing posts (if I get them finished) under the date the ideas started if it the date context is relevant.

Hmm, this is all getting a little too self referential....

Things that wind me up

• Virgin Media's shockingly intermittent internet connection
• New restrictions to what you can do with on-line banking
  
• Having a poor credit rating because of the word 'student' despite having a respectable net income and no bad debts to speak of
  
• Not being able to hire a car without a credit card
• Young driver surcharges
• The fact that driving places is so cheap and convenient compared to public transport

Each of these things I can deal with individually, even understand. But when you are just trying to get things done and these obstacles confront you every way you turn it is infuriating.

Postscript: In hindsight this post does seem a bit puerile. Of course these are not real problems, it is too easy to get wound up by the little things.